Captain, USS Osler.
“I am a mystery to myself.”
These words were spoken by Angelina Grimké. In the last few days they’ve come into my mind on more than one occasion.
We recently completed our joint operation in the Gamma Orionis sector. Things went well and we completed the assignment with no casualties or major injuries.
My crew performed admirably and we supported the Klingon ships, allowing them to successfully prevent an incursion into the sector.
I couldn’t do it.
I had any number of opportunities to ensure that the qul SuvwI’ suffered damage, or was destroyed. A moment’s delay in an order. A slight miscalculation in positioning. A second’s hesitation in firing weapons.
But I could not do it.
I could feel the weight of my wife and son on me. I could feel them watching over me. But I could also feel the weight of my duty and the weight of my command.
I could not do it.
And so I completed my mission. I did as I was ordered. I protected my enemies – the ones who took my family from me.
And still I feel the weight of their presence with me. The weight of their lives and deaths.
I only wonder if it was weakness that stayed my hand, or was it strength?
The more I move through life it seems there are fewer and fewer answers and more questions.